Oops

Well. This is embarrassing.I’m not even going to check when the last time I posted was, but I know it’s been a few weeks. To be fair, though, I’ve been busy and posting once a month counts as regularly. So, technically speaking, I haven’t broken my new year’s resolution yet.

Side note: Murphy’s lesser known law states that when one has time to write, they have nothing to write about, and when they have something to write about, they have no time to write. Or, at least that’s what his lesser known law would have said if he thought it up. You can’t say I’m wrong.

Since I’ve mentioned it already, I’ll talk about busyness. The past few weeks, I have stuffed every minute full of running around, making sure I never have a free moment. Probably not the best thing for someone recovering from Pneumonia and navigating sickness season. I’m also leaving for a week in Tennessee in two days with my boy friend’s family and some friends. So, with the ever-present threat of falling ill again, I’m still sacrificing rest in order to keep moving.

I never really knew why I liked being so busy since I’m such a strong introvert and quickly grow tired of socializing. I can spend a few hours with people and then get the desire to curl up in a chair at home with a book. So, while the prospect of being sick for two weeks was awful after my diagnosis, I was a little relieved to get some time to myself. And then after only a few days, I remembered why I stay busy.

Whenever I spend too long not doing anything, a deep sense of loneliness hits me like a train. It makes it difficult to stay motivated, to want to talk to people, or even to get up and move. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and objects at rest tend to stay at rest. That’s me. Once I fill up my schedule, I need to keep doing something because as soon as I’m alone I start questioning the purpose of things and I end up not wanting to do anything at all. So, I choose to keep every moment occupied. I need to be around someone, but I also need that person to be able to go hours without talking while we’re in the same room. Maybe I really am an extroverted introvert.

This worried me for a while when I realized I actually did need to stay busy in order to keep away from those thoughts. I wondered if my faith wasn’t as strong as I thought it was, or that I was running away from my problems. I doubted myself and wondered whether I was just filling my time to avoid my issues. After careful thought, though, I realized something.

I’m not unhappy. I feel that’s important to mention. I’m not depressed. In the quiet moments, I am thankful. I recognize on rainy days that the sun is still there. I can spend a few hours by myself and be content and joyful. I love the Lord and prayerfully bring every dark moment to him and ask for his help.

 I was made to get up and do stuff. I know that I am happiest when I’m investing in friendships, getting things done, and using my day to do something other than lie around. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Before I got sick, I invested in my own physical health and used my time to exercise frequently. I was proud of myself and the accomplishments I had made. Suddenly being unable to do that for so long, I wasted days on the computer and doing things without meaning. My fitness routine has been on hold, but I’m hoping this month I’ll be getting back into things and get back to the place I was before I was sick. Until then, I’ve been trying to avoid sitting around doing nothing. I want to do stuff that matters. I want to act, not just say empty words. I dont think that’s a bad thing. I’m not trying to avoid anything. I just want to do something that matters.

On Saturday I leave for Tennessee and I am so excited to see the Smoky Mountains for the first time. I’m hoping it will be a good chance for me to reflect on some things and learn to love the quiet days. But I fully intend to not waste a day. 

So, there’s your update. I’m sorry this post wasn’t about something deep and thought-provoking, but if nothing else, I hope the people who need it know I feel the same way sometimes. Feeling loneliness isn’t weird or abnormal, even if you have many close friends. This world is fallen and we are fallen and we will struggle. But there are ways to overcome it. As cliché as I’m about to sound, I mean it when I say don’t give up. 

You aren’t alone.